Psychological Boundaries

We decided to include the issue of boundaries in our teachings because we believe that boundaries are very important for our spiritual development: if we want to have a healthy spirituality we need to have healthy boundaries. For those who are already familiar with the subject, this is a kind reminder. For those who are not, this is some basic information.

Boundaries are of two types: external boundaries and internal boundaries.

1. External boundaries
   The external boundaries are related to other people and to how close we allow them to come to us, to our lives. If we symbolize this with a movement, it would do with what comes towards us from the others and where, at what distance, we have placed our protective fence. They help us to:
   • differentiate our thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others,
   • clear up who we are and who we’re not,
   • show us where we begin and where we end as well as where the others begin and where they end in relation to us, and
   • define how close or how far away we are with regard to other people creating thus between us and the others the appropriate physical and emotional space.

   External boundaries can be placed in relation to:

   • Physical contact: how close, physically, do we want others to come to us? Who? When? [personal space, social space, public space] ‑ [Obligatory change in physical boundaries due to corona‑virus ← how does it affect us? Our physicality and groundedness?].
   • Our emotional life: how much of the others person’s joy, sorrow or anger will we allow to go through us? Until which point do we go on without getting angry or get sad ourselves? Are we able to say to ourselves or to the other person: “your anger is yours and I won’t espouse it, I won’t absorb it”?
   • Our sexuality: how do we want our lover to behave to us? What pleases us and what displeases us in sex? Are we able to communicate it and assert it?
   • The way people talk to us. For instance, can we say: “I get angry when you talk to me with this tone of voice”?
   • The information we accept to get. For instance, do we know we have the right to say: “I don’t hear the news anymore because it upsets me so much”?
   • Our finances. With whom do we feel comfortable to talk about a loan, or our income? To whom do we not want to talk about how much we spend and where, when they ask us to do so?
   • And of course, our spirituality: who do we want to be our spiritual guide? To whom do we allow to lecture us about our spirituality and why? Whom do we think is appropriate to preach us?

   When we set boundaries we become able to manage our anger because we can better negotiate conflict, stress, intimacy and our comfort zone because we know how far we can go. Note that each person has their own personal boundaries.

   External boundaries are not functional in cases where:

   • We have left someone get too close and, by realizing this, we abruptly banish them from our lives.
   • We build up walls and we lock ourselves within them leaving other people and the world outside.
   • We are intractable and won’t let new ideas or new experiences widen our comfort zone, and
   • when we keep changing our views, opinions and the boundaries themselves without settling somewhere.

   There are two cases where our external boundaries are violated:

   The less aggressive case where the other person does not have adequate information about our boundaries or we have not properly communicated our boundaries to the other person. In contrast, we have the more aggressive case where the violator knows what bothers us and is still doing it.

   When our external boundaries are violated we feel various negative emotions such as anger, fear, shame, insecurity.

   We put external boundaries when we say: No, No more, Enough, Stop ‑ and we mean it. Because when we can’t say “no” then our “yes” ends up meaning nothing. We end up saying “yes” to everything, to talk to people we don’t like and to experience situations which we despise at the expense of our physical and mental health. In this way, we pile up anger for ourselves and the ones around us, an anger that evolves into resentment and rage.

2. Internal boundaries

   The internal boundaries ae related to the emotional and cognitive knowledge of how far we can go in a romantic relationship, in friendship, in a professional relationship, etc. They are related to how much we open up or close down in relation to the other person. If we symbolize them with a movement, it would do with what starts from us towards the other; with how far we go.

   Many times we have realized all too late that we exposed ourselves; that we went along with people or situations much more than we felt comfortable exactly because we ignore our internal boundaries. As a result, we get angry with ourselves and others.

   So, how much do we share with others (and with whom) information about our emotional life, our inner world, our family and personal history, our experiences (especially the traumatic ones), our sexuality, our spirituality, our time, our resources, etc.?

   Let us keep in mind that in reality, internal boundaries can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships exactly because both members of the relationship know how far they can go. Additionally, people who know and respect their internal boundaries can take care of other people selflessly since they gain energy from what they offer instead of losing energy.

   Finally, internal boundaries help us differentiate between quality and quantity. By knowing when we want to be with others and how much of us we can give to them we manage to avoid discomfort and frustration. Better spend less time with somebody on good terms instead of spending much time on bad terms.

   Both external and internal boundaries increase satisfaction in relationships and bring the members of those relationships closer together. This is happening because they create a firm sense of safety. When we respect ourselves and take care of ourselves, we are in a position to make better choices in all aspects of our lives. At the same time, we give others a clear message of how we want to be treated and what the consequences will be if they disrespect us.

   We talk about holding firm boundaries and boundaries create a separation. They separate us from the other. Yet, Murshid tells us:

   'The germ of separation exists even in such a wide scope for brotherhood, and however widespread the brotherhood may be; it cannot be a perfect one as long as it separates man from man. The Sufi, realizing this, frees himself from national, racial, and religious boundaries, uniting himself in the human brotherhood, which is devoid of the differences and distinctions of class, caste, creed, race, nation, or religion, and unites mankind in the universal brotherhood.'

'It does not mean that one should give up the thought of self, that one must never think of oneself, never think of one's lunch and dinner. The self is there, one has to think about it. But at the same time in order to expand, in order to let the will grow, the more one forgets oneself the more one is helped.'

So, what are we to do? How do we keep firm boundaries and dissolve or try to overcome them at the same time for the sake of our spirituality? We feel confused regarding this matter only if we do not see that we are talking about two entirely different types of boundaries: psychological and spiritual. We need to have healthy and firm, yet flexible (depending on the person we are dealing with, the situation, the moment, the type of the relationship, etc.), psychological boundaries in order to overcome the boundaries that separate us from the Beloved and the sense of unity with the whole creation.

Spiritual Bypass

Although there is a positive association between spirituality and health in all researches, there is the shadow side of spirituality from a psychological point of view. This is called spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual bypassing is a term coined in 1984 by the psychologist and Buddhist practitioner John Welwood to define the use of spiritual practices, experiences and beliefs as a way of avoiding dealing with unresolved psychological issues ‑ their "unfinished business." In other words, it occurs when a person attempts to heal psychological wounds at the spiritual level only and avoids the important (albeit often difficult and painful) work at the other levels, including the cognitive, physical, emotional, and interpersonal. Yet, the emotional, cognitive, and physical noise of past experiences interferes with the ability to be quiet and listen to one's spirit and to integrate the messages received from the spirit into one's daily life.

In later years, Charles Whitfield, a medical doctor and psychotherapist who specialized in trauma, addiction recovery, and co‑dependence, also used the term. According to Whitfield, spiritual bypass refers to a condition in which an individual tries to avoid or bypass necessary work on the psychological plane by jumping directly to the spiritual plane. It is considered to be a common problem among those pursuing a spiritual path.

Pir Vilayat in his beautiful book "The Ecstasy Beyond Knowing" warns us about spiritual bypassing by saying the following: “At a certain point in our search for meaningfulness, it may suddenly dawn upon us that the attraction of trance‑like meditations or retreats may arise from a perhaps unconscious wish to escape from a life situation; for example, parental authority, or the ruthless, merciless civilization we are living in with its violence, greed and manipulation” (p. 18). And also: "Actually we may be missing out on the inestimable value of that which has been acquired by humans throughout the ages in terms of beauty, material convenience, and orderliness: the marvel, the excitement, the courage, the vulnerability and the enriching effect of sharing joy and pain; relationship, friendship, loyalty, and the service in which God is to be found as a living reality. It is tragic to cloister oneself in an anesthetized psyche that shields one from confronting the challenges of the drama of life, which both actuates the celebration in the heavens in a concrete way, and tests our mettle. There is a way of being high without being spaced out" (p. 18, emphasis by Amina).

Spiritual bypass usually occurs when a person adopts the polarized thinking that human issues are unimportant, eventually neglecting relationships and other day‑to‑day aspects of life. In short, spiritual bypass serves an avoidance function; it allows the individual to avoid the often difficult and painful psychological work of healing old wounds.

Common problems emerging from spiritual bypass include compulsive goodness, repression of undesirable or painful emotions, spiritual narcissism, extreme external locus of control, spiritual obsession or addiction, blind faith in charismatic leaders, abdication of personal responsibility, and social isolation. The main symptoms of spiritual bypass listed in the literature are emotional alienation and repression; excessive detachment; too much emphasis on the positive side of development; blind or overly tolerant compassion; minimization or negation of one’s own shadow; illusions about one’s own awakening; viewing everything, including suffering, as illusory as a way to escape from suffering; disregarding the personal or mundane; and exaggerating certain aspects of development. Because it is a form of escape, spiritual bypass eventually makes possible the manifestation of a series of negative consequences such as an exaggerated need to control others and the self, shame, fear, dichotomous thinking, emotional confusion, high tolerance of inappropriate behaviors, co‑dependency, and pain. Another negative consequence of spiritual bypass would be spiritual materialism (the use of spiritual practice for material gain). Finally, spiritual bypass compromises long‑term spiritual well‑being because it leaves the process of spiritual development incomplete.

Researchers conclude: God (or the higher self) cannot fully exist amidst a sea of self‑critical transparent beliefs, repressed emotion, or unhealthy community with others. It is only through the transformation of these beliefs, emotions, and unhealthy interpersonal behaviors that spirit‑humans' true selves‑can be uncovered and flourish. Unfortunately for humans, this spiritual essence often becomes obscured with emotional, mental, interpersonal, and physical struggles that accumulate across the lifespan. We need to remember that spiritual practice and emotional growth are not about achieving a particular quality of feeling "good". Being a human being on a spiritual journey isn't about getting cash and prizes all the time. It is about being in the present moment, whatever it happens to look like.

Healthy Spirituality

The path for healthy spiritual development and practice includes:

• Paying attention to different areas of life and dimensions of the self.
• Working on the different areas of one’s life, such as work, family, relationships, spirituality, health, and developing oneself in all the realms.
• Possibility of connecting with their emotional world: the person’s spiritual life gives the possibility of their connecting to their emotional world.
• Doing psychological work: conjugation of spiritual practice with the therapeutic process or reading self‑help books, join self‑help groups, attend seminars.
• Greater compassion and self‑compassion: when spirituality brings the person to a place of compassion for others and for themselves.
• Community and guidance: having a group that is supportive and knowledgeable or somebody who can mentor or teach; having a set of values and a group of people to be a part of and to serve as a standard.
• Involvement with the world: a spiritual practice that allows engagement in the real world and with other people.

Experiential exercise (optional).

What are you experiencing right now? Can you be present to all of your feelings without any one of them defining you?

In a Nutshell

1. Signs of Spiritual Bypass

   Spiritual bypass happens when:

   • Using spiritual beliefs and practices to avoid dealing with psychological issues or trauma, relationship difficulties, emotional hassles, and developmental tasks.
   • Using spiritual ideas and beliefs in self‑defense and as justification for acting on impulses.
   • The polarization of spiritual practices as superior and of psychological or physical work as inferior.
2. Types of Spiritual Bypass
   • Normal bypass.
   • States-driven bypass.
   • Problematic bypass.
   • Narcissistic bypass.
3. Main symptoms
   • When people are disconnected from their emotions.
   • Fear of becoming angry.
   • A transition to reason, where the person avoids uncomfortable emotions by focusing on facts and logic. The person’s cognitive intelligence is much more developed than their moral and emotional intelligence.
   • A superficial acceptance or a non‑acceptance of the shadow or the negative side of humanity.
   • An unrealistic emphasis on the positive.
   • Difficulty engaging in relationships.
   • Avoiding contact with people viewed as nonspiritual.
   • Narcissism and grandiosity in the spiritual domain.
   • Acting as if they are spiritually superior to others, the owner of reason, the holder of all answers, the only one who sees beyond.
   • A blind belief in charismatic teachers.
   • An exaggeratedly tolerant, undiscriminating attempt at caring.
   • In order to not disappoint others, the person fears establishing boundaries and confronting others.
   • Avoiding responsibilities, especially related to jobs or money; not taking one’s career seriously and not having plans around money.
   • Magical thinking a mix of superstition, illusory connections, and conflation of correlation with causation, attributing an inordinate amount of power to one’s wishing, wanting, and imagining.
   • Losing intimacy with one’s body; a certain disdain for the physical body.
4. Personality traits
   • Unhealthy attachment patterns / co‑dependence.
   • Very vulnerable to stress / emotionally over‑reactive.
   • Trauma survivors.
   • Difficult non‑conducing (unfavorable) environments.
5. Possible reasons
   • Low tolerance in facing and working with one’s pain.
   • Negative influences from religious/spiritual leaders and communities.
   • Receiving strong negative messages around self‑worth and self‑esteem.
6. Negative effects
   • The person gets stuck in their lives, doesn’t know what to do, goes in circles.
   • The person remains fairly immature in their spiritual life.
   • Lacking self‑awareness, being unable to take a broader view, losing access to themselves.
   • Not growing usp, staying stuck in magical thinking.
   • Suffering unnecessarily and making others suffer in various levels of intensity depending on how significant the issues that they have are.
   • Not taking care of their relationships and families.
   • Difficulty connecting with others leads to the interruption of empathic relations with another person.
   • Preying on other people’s indecision and avoidance.
   • Taking advantage of others’ stagnancy and vulnerability by selling them services that often exacerbate their spiritual bypass.
7. Times when spiritual bypass has no negative consequences
   and can be useful or even necessary to someone’s development:
   • Natural step of spiritual development: spiritual bypass is a natural step for people who embrace a spiritual journey.
   • Short‑term coping strategy: Using spiritual bypass to cope with high stress or difficult situations for a short period of time.
8. Healthy spirituality
   • Paying attention to different areas of life and dimensions of the self.
   • Working on the different areas of one’s life.
   • Possibility of connecting with one’s emotional world.
   • Doing psychological work.
   • Greater compassion and self‑compassion.
   • Community and guidance.

Additional Information

1. Wasaif used
   • Al‑Aziz
   • Al‑Wadud
2. Bibliography
   • Boundaries (incomplete data)
     • Ben‑Ze’ev, A. (2001). The subtlety of emotions.
     • Greenberg, L.S. & Paivio, S. C. (2003). Working with emotions in psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Pr.
     • Greenspan, M. (2004). Healing through the dark emotions.
     • Lee, J. (2009). The anger solution: the proven method for achieving calm and developing healthy, long‑lasting relationships.
     • Lewis, M., Haviland‑Jones, J.M, Feldman Barrett, L. (2008). Handbook of emotions. 3rd ed.
     • Rosenberg, M. (2005). The surprising purpose of anger: Beyond anger management: Finding the gift.
     • Woodruft, J. (2008). Anger management best practice handbook: Controlling anger before it controls you.
   • Spiritual Bypass, Healthy Spirituality and In a nutshell
     • Cashwell, C.S, Bentley, P. B. & Yarborough, J.P. (2007). The only way out is through: The peril of spiritual bypass. Counseling and Values, 51, 139‑148.
     • Fox, J. & Picciotto, G. (2019). The mediating effects of spiritual bypass on depression, anxiety, and stress. Counseling and Values, 64, 227‑243.
     • Khan, Vilayat. (1993). The ecstasy beyond knowing: a manual of meditation. New Lebanon, NY: Suluk Press.
     • Picciotto, G. & Fox, J. (2018). Exploring experts’ perspective on spiritual bypass: A conventional content analysis. Pastoral Psychology, 67, 65‑84.
     • Picciotto, G., Fox, J. & Neto, F. (2018). A phenomenology of spiritual bypass: Causes, consequences, and implications. Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 20, 333‑354.